I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
