The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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