the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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