3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
