so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
