Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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