It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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