First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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