I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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