Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
