i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
