Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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