I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
