Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Everyone says I win the strip club
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
