I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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