I puked a lego.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
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