I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
