My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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