I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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