i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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