I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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