she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
