dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You took a bar mat shot.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
