Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
