I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
