my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
