I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize