All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I will die if light touches me.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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