So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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