Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
