He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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