I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
