On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
