So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
