you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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