call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
