Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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