So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
