There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
