I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
