I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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