My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
