She just used a chaser for red wine.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
