I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
