my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize