You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
