Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
