I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
