he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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