He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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