I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
