I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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