I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
