wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize