he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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