1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
