just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
