Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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