fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
The Olympian is in my bed
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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