I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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